Okay and now is the end of my crush of 2009. I hope to have at least 5 to 6 more attempts. How do i feel? A little disappointed, but i've felt worse. Here's how it went down:
I have gotten missed calls from my friend in the past, never cared so much to return them. ONe day i thought, "hey i wonder if she's single?" So i called her up and made plans for dinner.
We had Pho soup, and learned alot about each others' lives, and school. I told her about my cousin, and we had a good time out. I ended the night early with a exremely brief hug.
I remember some conversations we had, she asked me if i wanted to get married, i told her "YES!!!!"
she asked me what my standards were, i said, "how do you standardize a human being?"
I spoke about death, and whatnot. I probably freaked her out, so i kept the night really short.
She told me she needed some help on her computer, I ended up buying her two christmas gifts.
And i actually fixed her computer which was my favorite part of the trip.
We had green burrito afterward, and the food was really disgusting. The guy didn't even serve Leslie her meal right, and i got really pissed off.
She told me, "hey i want some peace"
I knew i was making her uneasy. I spoke to her about my passions of riding my bike, and doubling majoring.
she askd, "what motivates you?"
I told her i liked those questions.
I had some weird dreams after I hung out with her.
One of my dreams after i hung out with her meant "i desired control"
The end.
I feel disappointed, and need to be more independent i suppose.
I think people's ideas of me, they think i'm going to stay single for awhile. I would like to finish my school, but am open for a relationship. But now I wish for something to help me on my way.
It is quite true that i misjudged her character.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
POST
What of the hardest questions for me to answer from other college students is, “so what do you want to be?” or “so what are you going to do?”
I know I want to serve the public, without the purpose of generating wealth, and I really hope not to influence others in the important decisions of their lives. I wish only to listen and work for a good cause of the benefiting society. I wish to work for benevolence, and also wish to write a book about it. Eventually if I have the right cause, I’d like to study law. But first, I wish to start humbly. I noticed that I listen well to others, but am awkward when conversating.
I was speaking with rob, and he immediately asked, “can I sit with you?”
“yes!” I answered energetically
So what are you studying for
I said, “my precalculus class right now, and I have a few other classes.”
“precalculus, for what?”
This is exactly where I felt uncomfortable, I didn’t like talking about myself, or what I was doing. I reasoned that he was an extrovert that liked dialogue. I also remembered the man I watched in the Titan student union who communicated, and even reminded me of my step father. The man, was giving short simple, but “kind” words, as he busied his hands subtly communicating the speaker’s dismissal. I was annoyed at the man because why would he dismiss another student? Was the man introverted? Why would he avoid conversation? This observation stuck with me as I watched him communicate.
As I was speaking with Rob, I told him, “My next class is at 4”
We were speaking and he spoke about his dark past to me, I felt as if he was confessing some of his past, and had a guilty conscience. I had a feeling of judgement but told him, “a lot of people make decisions based on the environment that they are in.” I said this with the purpose to make him understand that he shouldn’t be hard on himself for what he’s done.
Rob spoke a lot of his feelings, and I understand him to be very in tune with himself, and I never thought that he was “gay” or “flamer” type of personality.
Rob spoke to me about the “canteberry tales” and how he was struggling in the class. I was sure to remind him that if he would do the work, “it would be most rewarding”, he immediately agreed.
My purpose for speaking with him was to show my difference with challenging other students, and lifting the par of excellence. I don’t wish to be different, so that I can be in the spot light, I wish to be different because I believe in something higher.
I was even sure to speak of what my professor was mentioning, and trying to teach us.
Rob said, “I’m usually one to speak up during class, but for this class, I find myself quiet during this class. I’ve always stayed away from Shakespeare, and Chaucer, and I’m in the class full of students who already know who this person is.”
He is in the best environment in my opinion.
I put my fist under my chin, and I listened to every word he was speaking to me about. I thought in my head about his sign, and I remembered that he was a Cancer, and a fighter. I have a unique admiration for Cancers because my cousin nick was, so I have a special tenderness toward him.
I spoke to him of my recent decision to not pursue a law degree. I said, “poly sci classes are full of people who want law degrees for the sake of having law degrees. A lot of them talk about how important they are that they know important people working for the attorney general, and how great their recommendation letters are going to be. One student totally failed the LSAT, but is still pursuing a law degree, why? If you fail the LSAT , that probably means you’re not ready for a law career. “
The thing that changed my mind was I was watching youtube, of a person who was going to be a lawyer, but instead of persecuting criminals, she decided to get involved with the youth to prevent them.”
Why I was going into detail about this, I’m not sure, but I felt a need to justify my actions.
“but can you teach math?”
“as long as I can get in the ring, I can fight”. I said.
“But there’s so many English majors, and the job won’t pay much” Rob said, I could tell he was nervous about making a spiritual reward.
I even rapibly changed the subject and said, “you know what my pet peeves are? People who pursue law degrees for the sake of having them. And also one of my History teachers said, ‘and the study would be for you to focus on yourself…’ I don’t agree with that because I think that is what is wrong with American character, to individualistic, to sensualist, to “in the now”…”
He replied, “one of my other teachers said that too”
So I know that they are trying to brainwash the public to not worry about others.
I didn’t stop speaking with Rob until he dismissed me, I never motioned to leave for myself.
I know I want to serve the public, without the purpose of generating wealth, and I really hope not to influence others in the important decisions of their lives. I wish only to listen and work for a good cause of the benefiting society. I wish to work for benevolence, and also wish to write a book about it. Eventually if I have the right cause, I’d like to study law. But first, I wish to start humbly. I noticed that I listen well to others, but am awkward when conversating.
I was speaking with rob, and he immediately asked, “can I sit with you?”
“yes!” I answered energetically
So what are you studying for
I said, “my precalculus class right now, and I have a few other classes.”
“precalculus, for what?”
This is exactly where I felt uncomfortable, I didn’t like talking about myself, or what I was doing. I reasoned that he was an extrovert that liked dialogue. I also remembered the man I watched in the Titan student union who communicated, and even reminded me of my step father. The man, was giving short simple, but “kind” words, as he busied his hands subtly communicating the speaker’s dismissal. I was annoyed at the man because why would he dismiss another student? Was the man introverted? Why would he avoid conversation? This observation stuck with me as I watched him communicate.
As I was speaking with Rob, I told him, “My next class is at 4”
We were speaking and he spoke about his dark past to me, I felt as if he was confessing some of his past, and had a guilty conscience. I had a feeling of judgement but told him, “a lot of people make decisions based on the environment that they are in.” I said this with the purpose to make him understand that he shouldn’t be hard on himself for what he’s done.
Rob spoke a lot of his feelings, and I understand him to be very in tune with himself, and I never thought that he was “gay” or “flamer” type of personality.
Rob spoke to me about the “canteberry tales” and how he was struggling in the class. I was sure to remind him that if he would do the work, “it would be most rewarding”, he immediately agreed.
My purpose for speaking with him was to show my difference with challenging other students, and lifting the par of excellence. I don’t wish to be different, so that I can be in the spot light, I wish to be different because I believe in something higher.
I was even sure to speak of what my professor was mentioning, and trying to teach us.
Rob said, “I’m usually one to speak up during class, but for this class, I find myself quiet during this class. I’ve always stayed away from Shakespeare, and Chaucer, and I’m in the class full of students who already know who this person is.”
He is in the best environment in my opinion.
I put my fist under my chin, and I listened to every word he was speaking to me about. I thought in my head about his sign, and I remembered that he was a Cancer, and a fighter. I have a unique admiration for Cancers because my cousin nick was, so I have a special tenderness toward him.
I spoke to him of my recent decision to not pursue a law degree. I said, “poly sci classes are full of people who want law degrees for the sake of having law degrees. A lot of them talk about how important they are that they know important people working for the attorney general, and how great their recommendation letters are going to be. One student totally failed the LSAT, but is still pursuing a law degree, why? If you fail the LSAT , that probably means you’re not ready for a law career. “
The thing that changed my mind was I was watching youtube, of a person who was going to be a lawyer, but instead of persecuting criminals, she decided to get involved with the youth to prevent them.”
Why I was going into detail about this, I’m not sure, but I felt a need to justify my actions.
“but can you teach math?”
“as long as I can get in the ring, I can fight”. I said.
“But there’s so many English majors, and the job won’t pay much” Rob said, I could tell he was nervous about making a spiritual reward.
I even rapibly changed the subject and said, “you know what my pet peeves are? People who pursue law degrees for the sake of having them. And also one of my History teachers said, ‘and the study would be for you to focus on yourself…’ I don’t agree with that because I think that is what is wrong with American character, to individualistic, to sensualist, to “in the now”…”
He replied, “one of my other teachers said that too”
So I know that they are trying to brainwash the public to not worry about others.
I didn’t stop speaking with Rob until he dismissed me, I never motioned to leave for myself.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Obama is elected!
WOW, i'm very stoked that Obama is now president. I am impressed at his willpower to go as far as he has. I wonder what is in store for me? I wonder how far i can go?
I have some plans of finishing school, going into the education field, and doing some humanitarian work along the way. I wish to meet a really good lady along the way. and at some point i'd like to write a book.
Obama good luck.
I have some plans of finishing school, going into the education field, and doing some humanitarian work along the way. I wish to meet a really good lady along the way. and at some point i'd like to write a book.
Obama good luck.
Monday, January 19, 2009
INFP
i 've taken a personality test recommended by the leadership book i'm reading. I found that i can only be aware of different things about myself, and there's some things i can never change about myself. I've taken a test, and tested as a INFP or Introvert, intuition, feeling, perceiving person. Famous people who are INFP are Julia Roberts and John F. Kennedy Jr. INFP's are people who see the big picture and don't do well with small details. They are 'feelers' and find Thinkers to be cold and too distant, or objective. This is true. Most INFP's are deeply committed to things PERSONALLY inspired by personal events directly. I find this is true about myself with nick and the loss of him. I would find strict schedules to be 'imprisoning' and do well with Theoritical and philosophical debates. Other famous INFP's are Virgin Mary, Homer, Virgil and that's all i could remember. I was disappointed that no one i admire is an INFP. A famous INFJ, (judge not a perceiver) is Martin Luther King Jr.
If you google Carl Jung MBTI personality test, you too can find your personality type.
THe whole point the book is trying to point out, is that if you learn yourself and your own personal type, then you can learn your strengths and weaknesses. One can also learn other people's types as well. I guess i have a rare personality type because most women are Feelers, and 75% of the population are extroverted and 75% are thinkers, and Sense based, not Intuitive.
So i'm really in the minority here, so my feelings of "being different" are quite real to me. Also with my family's deep history, i even feel more unique.
I regret leaving the church to dive into my music venture, and i regret smoking weed and corrupting my body, but that was somehting i was destined to do.
Now, like a returned Jonah, like the return of the prodgical son, i am absolutely finished with sleeping with pigs! and am absolutely tired of sleeping in the stomach of a whale!
Return me to the city so i can share the gospel! I can do the work of peace, God, and am prepared to die for it!
MLK says, "peace is something you stand for, if you don't make a stand for peace , then you are standing for war!"
He also says, if you're not prepared to die for something you're not fit to live
I've realized that Marcus, my old friend, was a thinker, and i always thought he was too distant, and never "gave" himself enough. I thought he was a tight ass, and never exerted enough energy because he was always "too tired". I would call him to hang out, and he would always, "just stay home for the night".
That irritated the holy hell out of me. why? because i was going thru some really tuff shiz bit, and needed some help. But i looked in the wrong direction.
He would always complain about his parents, but over time he learned to appreciate them. He was very very secretive with his weed, and that was also in his personality. There was always something he "wouldn't tell you". and would always "remain quiet". He would watch, not participate, and just wait. That kind of attitude i am learning is not enough. We need people to take a stand for what you believe in. watching is n't enough, we need people to take up the cross!
For MLK's holiday i went to Tri city park and picked up 1 full trash bag filled with trash. The world in my opinion is a total mess, and i'm apart of the solution!
One guy asked, "so you're doing this volunterily?"
"yup, for martin's holiday! Pick up your trash and don't litter!" i said to him
"i don't make trash and i don't clean it up, hopefully" He said.
THis is the kind of attitude i hate the most.
MLK says, "the are reserved seats in hell for people that stand lukewarm"
I'm over my friendship with marcus, it was really a negative influence. In retrospect, all the people he introduced me to were drug users, and one of his friends actually became a drug addict. Was marcus man enough to actually visit him in the hospital? No marcus' attitude was "the rescuer becomes the victim".
That was his motto, "never reach you're hand out to someone because they're just going to pull you down with them."
How ironic that he was the one who pulled me down! All he really introduced me to were pot heads, and people that abused alcohol. I am so liberated from his friendship. the greatest favor he ever did for me was let our friendship run its course.
The greatest thing i ever said to him was, "sometimes when you put a leaf in a pond, it goes the other way."
I am so glad i scraped him off of me!
THis leader ship book i'm reading asks, "what is your purpose in life?"
I think my purpose is to live in a higher path, taking up my cross, and being an example to the people that fallen inside the cracks of society. I believe absolutely that people are influenced from the environment around them, both postively and negatively. If everyone is influenced by their environment, then how do i enter the environment, armed with the ATTITUDE and begin making ripples in the pond of our YOUTH?
I COME FROM THE COMMONWEALTH, THE BROKEN HOME, THE DRUG USER, THE DEPRESSED, MALADJUSTED TEEN WHOSE COME FULL FORCE INTO THE LIGHT.
I AM EMPOWERED TO START A NEW PROCESS OF RENDERING LIGHT
For the month of january, i actually am still doing volunteer work for the homeless. Caring for other people, seeing them in a new situation, changing or adding to my own perspective.
See the problem with intellectuals is that they spend their energy thinking and not doing.
I want to continue with my education, and finish it. I'll probably graduate when i'm 26-27.
I stand on the values that human beings all have the potential for good. I stand on the belief that love, and prayer are ways to keep the heart soft, and open to the messages of God behind the veil of the universe. I believe, absolutely in my heart, that my goal is not to make a vast fortune of riches, but to start a postive change to the youth of america. I want to restore, absolutely, what i never had in my family, and in myself. I want to return to my full potential and purity it. I want to be forgiven, and punished for all the wrong i've done in my life. I TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILTY OF MIS DIRECTED MY STEPS, BUT AM NOW READY TO WALK ON THE PATH OF WHAT IS 'RIGHT', I AM READY THAT I CAN NOT DO IT ALONE.
i've dug myself into a mud pit, that has taken me many many years, and it will take me many more years to dig myself out of it.
If i can empower myself to overcome all these negative forces that tried to pull me down, that actually have taken me down and defeated me, and actually STAND AND GET BACK UP, then i can have a testimony to share with people and other human beings.
I pray that the door opens for me to someday begin a community project, or a global project to places in the world that are evil.
I believe absolutely that there is a spiritual war of good and evil, warring for my soul. and it is my decision whether or not to decide to live with painstaking excellence toward the benevolence concerning my work for OTHERS, or whether to live selfishly for myself.
I DECIDE TO LIVE FOR THE BENEFIT OF OTHERS.
HOW CAN AN INFP PERFORM LEADERSHIP...that's what this blog is all about, and i'm starting it with my own damn bicycle.
If you google Carl Jung MBTI personality test, you too can find your personality type.
THe whole point the book is trying to point out, is that if you learn yourself and your own personal type, then you can learn your strengths and weaknesses. One can also learn other people's types as well. I guess i have a rare personality type because most women are Feelers, and 75% of the population are extroverted and 75% are thinkers, and Sense based, not Intuitive.
So i'm really in the minority here, so my feelings of "being different" are quite real to me. Also with my family's deep history, i even feel more unique.
I regret leaving the church to dive into my music venture, and i regret smoking weed and corrupting my body, but that was somehting i was destined to do.
Now, like a returned Jonah, like the return of the prodgical son, i am absolutely finished with sleeping with pigs! and am absolutely tired of sleeping in the stomach of a whale!
Return me to the city so i can share the gospel! I can do the work of peace, God, and am prepared to die for it!
MLK says, "peace is something you stand for, if you don't make a stand for peace , then you are standing for war!"
He also says, if you're not prepared to die for something you're not fit to live
I've realized that Marcus, my old friend, was a thinker, and i always thought he was too distant, and never "gave" himself enough. I thought he was a tight ass, and never exerted enough energy because he was always "too tired". I would call him to hang out, and he would always, "just stay home for the night".
That irritated the holy hell out of me. why? because i was going thru some really tuff shiz bit, and needed some help. But i looked in the wrong direction.
He would always complain about his parents, but over time he learned to appreciate them. He was very very secretive with his weed, and that was also in his personality. There was always something he "wouldn't tell you". and would always "remain quiet". He would watch, not participate, and just wait. That kind of attitude i am learning is not enough. We need people to take a stand for what you believe in. watching is n't enough, we need people to take up the cross!
For MLK's holiday i went to Tri city park and picked up 1 full trash bag filled with trash. The world in my opinion is a total mess, and i'm apart of the solution!
One guy asked, "so you're doing this volunterily?"
"yup, for martin's holiday! Pick up your trash and don't litter!" i said to him
"i don't make trash and i don't clean it up, hopefully" He said.
THis is the kind of attitude i hate the most.
MLK says, "the are reserved seats in hell for people that stand lukewarm"
I'm over my friendship with marcus, it was really a negative influence. In retrospect, all the people he introduced me to were drug users, and one of his friends actually became a drug addict. Was marcus man enough to actually visit him in the hospital? No marcus' attitude was "the rescuer becomes the victim".
That was his motto, "never reach you're hand out to someone because they're just going to pull you down with them."
How ironic that he was the one who pulled me down! All he really introduced me to were pot heads, and people that abused alcohol. I am so liberated from his friendship. the greatest favor he ever did for me was let our friendship run its course.
The greatest thing i ever said to him was, "sometimes when you put a leaf in a pond, it goes the other way."
I am so glad i scraped him off of me!
THis leader ship book i'm reading asks, "what is your purpose in life?"
I think my purpose is to live in a higher path, taking up my cross, and being an example to the people that fallen inside the cracks of society. I believe absolutely that people are influenced from the environment around them, both postively and negatively. If everyone is influenced by their environment, then how do i enter the environment, armed with the ATTITUDE and begin making ripples in the pond of our YOUTH?
I COME FROM THE COMMONWEALTH, THE BROKEN HOME, THE DRUG USER, THE DEPRESSED, MALADJUSTED TEEN WHOSE COME FULL FORCE INTO THE LIGHT.
I AM EMPOWERED TO START A NEW PROCESS OF RENDERING LIGHT
For the month of january, i actually am still doing volunteer work for the homeless. Caring for other people, seeing them in a new situation, changing or adding to my own perspective.
See the problem with intellectuals is that they spend their energy thinking and not doing.
I want to continue with my education, and finish it. I'll probably graduate when i'm 26-27.
I stand on the values that human beings all have the potential for good. I stand on the belief that love, and prayer are ways to keep the heart soft, and open to the messages of God behind the veil of the universe. I believe, absolutely in my heart, that my goal is not to make a vast fortune of riches, but to start a postive change to the youth of america. I want to restore, absolutely, what i never had in my family, and in myself. I want to return to my full potential and purity it. I want to be forgiven, and punished for all the wrong i've done in my life. I TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILTY OF MIS DIRECTED MY STEPS, BUT AM NOW READY TO WALK ON THE PATH OF WHAT IS 'RIGHT', I AM READY THAT I CAN NOT DO IT ALONE.
i've dug myself into a mud pit, that has taken me many many years, and it will take me many more years to dig myself out of it.
If i can empower myself to overcome all these negative forces that tried to pull me down, that actually have taken me down and defeated me, and actually STAND AND GET BACK UP, then i can have a testimony to share with people and other human beings.
I pray that the door opens for me to someday begin a community project, or a global project to places in the world that are evil.
I believe absolutely that there is a spiritual war of good and evil, warring for my soul. and it is my decision whether or not to decide to live with painstaking excellence toward the benevolence concerning my work for OTHERS, or whether to live selfishly for myself.
I DECIDE TO LIVE FOR THE BENEFIT OF OTHERS.
HOW CAN AN INFP PERFORM LEADERSHIP...that's what this blog is all about, and i'm starting it with my own damn bicycle.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Mercy House Part 2
I think i will only go to the mercy house for january. the early hours are killing me.
I met albert, gino, Chris, and Helen.
I asked the manager albert, "how many people did you have spend the night last night?"
He said, "151"
"about what were their ages? Did you have any teens?"
"Most of them were 22 to 70 years, we had one that was a junior in highschool."
The last mercy house i went to there were 141 people spending the night.
This time we had a sergeant supervising the community sleeping project. A lady there was asking him, "so are you going to go to Afghanistan? where is you're next deployment?"
He replied, "yes, there is a mission there that i can apply for, we could make a killing."
the pun was a little intense.
This morning i arrived at the mercy house a little late, around 5:21 am, and looked for Albert. He was in a rush trying to organize the cleaning up of the coffee, the blankets, and the sleeping mats. This morning i was assigned to load the sleeping mats on a pull cart, and stack them in a cargo bin that was locked each night. Chris was my spotter and we lifted the mats together and moved them into the cargo bin.
Chris said, "we used to spray the mats down with lysol before we put them in here. Now, they just want us to put them away."
He then looked at me and asked, "are you with mercy house?"
"yes, what about you?"
"i'm here with as a church volunteer"
It is heavy to see people without a home that are close to my age. What was their story? How did they end up here? Some of them had large books stuffed in there sleeping bags, pull carts, and back packs. Most of them do not appear to be substance abusers, and communicate well.
I have a heavy heart to learn the fact that there is a thin line between extreme poverty and middle class. In a boom-bust economy, i've realized that it won't take much for a person to find themselves without a home. Alot has to do with finding a job, and holding it down i assume. While i reflect on my own humble situation, i come to terms with gratitude: but not a gratitude that just prays, "Thank you lord for a warm bed to sleep in at night". I believe that if gratitude is truly in the heart, then it will show in the action. Dear reader, how many times have you bought a needy person a gallon of water? A meal? Clothes? Or are homeless people substance abusers who don't want to find jobs.
You would be surprised to the mental affects that occur without having the security of money.
I think i should do a poll of the people there at the mercy house.
I am reading esther right now, words i want to look up are satraps.
I was witnessed to by two street witnesses. i think they knew i was a believer in Christ because they asked me, "what is the kingdom of heaven?"
I said , "it is gotten through speaking to God, and putting the words to actions. You know, when the rubber hits the road."
It is funny, i think God was making sure he could seal the deal because my beliefs are being more defined as of recent.
I really hate war, and those that make a profit off it. Maybe because our economy is used to large military budgets that Condi Rice is sort of relectant to slow the pace of it.
I believe that what God has taken away from me i believe he will restore. Esther was without her mother or father, and was raised by her Uncle Modercai.
Also , speaking of hard times: Imagine if the governement decreed that all christians should be killed.
wow. i am proud of the house of my grandfather Nino, or Richard. and i would do anything to restore honor onto it.
Here's my confession: for the last five years of my life, i have been disobedient to my mom, a lazy person, blasphemous, drug user, self interested, and selfish.
I realized last night that i dug myself into a huge hole, that took me many many years to get into, and it will take me many years to get myself out of the hole, and i can't do it by myself. I will be counting on the steps of God above.
Oh yes, and my greatest weakness is that "i can not direct my own steps". No way, and i can't attempt it any more. I can only be knowledgable, and work hard, and relate to others well.
Modecai told Esther to "refrain from speaking about her house". Meaning that it is wise to "refrain" from speaking "everything", or being blantly honest about everything.
How i can take this into the workplace is that , i should concern myself with speaking things of work only, and i should "refrain" from going into too much details about my life. I wish to step up my attitude a little. i have been down, and people know it, but i don't think i'm down, i just think it is how i communicate.
Simple words of advice, STICK TO THE BASIC MANNERS OF PLEASE, THANK YOU, YOU'RE WELCOME. Avoid topics that are improper, or crass.
This is a big challenge for me. I will pray for guidance.
Also my goal for february is to start tutoring kids...math, english, history.
I met albert, gino, Chris, and Helen.
I asked the manager albert, "how many people did you have spend the night last night?"
He said, "151"
"about what were their ages? Did you have any teens?"
"Most of them were 22 to 70 years, we had one that was a junior in highschool."
The last mercy house i went to there were 141 people spending the night.
This time we had a sergeant supervising the community sleeping project. A lady there was asking him, "so are you going to go to Afghanistan? where is you're next deployment?"
He replied, "yes, there is a mission there that i can apply for, we could make a killing."
the pun was a little intense.
This morning i arrived at the mercy house a little late, around 5:21 am, and looked for Albert. He was in a rush trying to organize the cleaning up of the coffee, the blankets, and the sleeping mats. This morning i was assigned to load the sleeping mats on a pull cart, and stack them in a cargo bin that was locked each night. Chris was my spotter and we lifted the mats together and moved them into the cargo bin.
Chris said, "we used to spray the mats down with lysol before we put them in here. Now, they just want us to put them away."
He then looked at me and asked, "are you with mercy house?"
"yes, what about you?"
"i'm here with as a church volunteer"
It is heavy to see people without a home that are close to my age. What was their story? How did they end up here? Some of them had large books stuffed in there sleeping bags, pull carts, and back packs. Most of them do not appear to be substance abusers, and communicate well.
I have a heavy heart to learn the fact that there is a thin line between extreme poverty and middle class. In a boom-bust economy, i've realized that it won't take much for a person to find themselves without a home. Alot has to do with finding a job, and holding it down i assume. While i reflect on my own humble situation, i come to terms with gratitude: but not a gratitude that just prays, "Thank you lord for a warm bed to sleep in at night". I believe that if gratitude is truly in the heart, then it will show in the action. Dear reader, how many times have you bought a needy person a gallon of water? A meal? Clothes? Or are homeless people substance abusers who don't want to find jobs.
You would be surprised to the mental affects that occur without having the security of money.
I think i should do a poll of the people there at the mercy house.
I am reading esther right now, words i want to look up are satraps.
I was witnessed to by two street witnesses. i think they knew i was a believer in Christ because they asked me, "what is the kingdom of heaven?"
I said , "it is gotten through speaking to God, and putting the words to actions. You know, when the rubber hits the road."
It is funny, i think God was making sure he could seal the deal because my beliefs are being more defined as of recent.
I really hate war, and those that make a profit off it. Maybe because our economy is used to large military budgets that Condi Rice is sort of relectant to slow the pace of it.
I believe that what God has taken away from me i believe he will restore. Esther was without her mother or father, and was raised by her Uncle Modercai.
Also , speaking of hard times: Imagine if the governement decreed that all christians should be killed.
wow. i am proud of the house of my grandfather Nino, or Richard. and i would do anything to restore honor onto it.
Here's my confession: for the last five years of my life, i have been disobedient to my mom, a lazy person, blasphemous, drug user, self interested, and selfish.
I realized last night that i dug myself into a huge hole, that took me many many years to get into, and it will take me many years to get myself out of the hole, and i can't do it by myself. I will be counting on the steps of God above.
Oh yes, and my greatest weakness is that "i can not direct my own steps". No way, and i can't attempt it any more. I can only be knowledgable, and work hard, and relate to others well.
Modecai told Esther to "refrain from speaking about her house". Meaning that it is wise to "refrain" from speaking "everything", or being blantly honest about everything.
How i can take this into the workplace is that , i should concern myself with speaking things of work only, and i should "refrain" from going into too much details about my life. I wish to step up my attitude a little. i have been down, and people know it, but i don't think i'm down, i just think it is how i communicate.
Simple words of advice, STICK TO THE BASIC MANNERS OF PLEASE, THANK YOU, YOU'RE WELCOME. Avoid topics that are improper, or crass.
This is a big challenge for me. I will pray for guidance.
Also my goal for february is to start tutoring kids...math, english, history.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Life
So i rode my bike 13.7 miles today, and it was exhausting. My goal was for twenty miles, but i didn't make it. I started getting really tired, and i didn't even have a water bottle. Learned some lessons.
My front brake caliper is damaged, and I had to replace it. Bike shops smell like shoe stores.
I never really felt like myself, until right now, around 9pm. I feel deep in thought and am thinking about how i want my life to go in the next few years.
I don't want to end up at a job that 'pays my bills'. I am searching to actually contribute something.
Also with women, i'm not looking to be married for the sake of marriage in itself. I'm open that not everyone gets married, and it only works for some people. There are no guarantees with human beings.
How can i put my services toward a direct need benefiting others and not myself?
Teaching is my first career choice, and progressively involving myself with the community through education is definitely a "broad" right.
But still, that doesn't really answer my question.
If i'm the author of my own life's story, then how do i want it to go?
Traveling is a chapter that i'd like to write.
Humanitarian work is also a chapter i'd like to write.
but what am i really motivating toward?
I think it is connecting deeply with other people, on a level that is truly godly divine.
This is an idealistic viewpoint of course, but there must be practical ways i can near to it.
The office job, is a "persona" connection. THere is no human connection once everyone clocks out. As soon as people clock out, boom, the day is forgotten.
I'm thinking about a level of connection much deeper.
Again teaching comes to mind.
Tutoring comes to mind
BIking comes to mind
Missionary work comes to mind.
BUt am i too old for this?
How can i make that my vocation?
Can there be compromise?
What am i excellent at?
What are my weaknesses?
I'm excellent at organizing and problem solving pressing issues. Memories of organizing the band, managing rehearsals, gigs, contacting people all came as an easy strength for me.
My trip to S.F. in Dec 2007 was excellent. I rode my bike, saw great things, and did it all on my own. This is one of my strengths.
My weaknesses would be consistent relationships with those around me. Making them feel better about themselves.
I've always been a lone wolf, a hellraiser, a rebel, and a prick to alot of people i grew up with.
I sort of told myself that being mean was an indirect way of "loving". What a lie i told myself.
Laughter and kindness are the great gifts of love.
I wish to finish school studying History and Math, and increase my volunteer work. I wish to meet new people, and re-forge old friendships
My friend leslie called me on tuesday wishing that i borrow her movie because it was a 'must see'. I called her on wednesday, and she texted me, "i returned it drag along!"
If the movie was that important, then she would have waited to share it. I find it very ironic how quick she recommends something, and how quick the gift "disappears". Is this how someone repays a person whose serviced her network computer, and given her a generous christmas gift?
Oh how humans are wonderfully diverse!
My goal this week is to meet with my friend Hank, but i think i don't have time this week. Maybe on saturday...
I'd like to ride over 15 miles soon.
Maybe a beach run... that would be 26 miles one way! whao. I should ride my bike to work first, and then maybe a beach run.
I'd like to do a bike marathon just for the sake of doing it. i think it'd be fun.
My bike is old, but it is simple and works.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Don't Speak
So i will be doing less this coming weeks, and working on focusing on my magneticism. I realize that i'm very distressed, and my words are most likely being misinterpreted. I am going to take a vow of silence!
I was supposed to meet with my friend Hank wilson again today, but i missed him. I will try and visit him tomorrow.
What a flake i am!
My goal is to become more consistent. I have a lot on my plate and i'm just trying to balance it all.
I am working on adjusting my brake pads right now on my bike. One of the front brakes are not positioned "toe in", and is rubbing on the rim.
I am in a bad mood today.
My friend called me requesting that i borrow one of her movies, something about tuesday's with morrie. I don't know if i could handle that kind of ish.
My aunt pat, is on her way to chicago, or is currently in chicago. I wish her fun!
My school session ends in like two weeks, and then regular class start. How mundane
my dog is totally uninterested in my bike.
I can't wait to tune it up.
It is making weird clicking sounds, i think the chain is rubbing up on the shifter.
I think i might go to the bike store might have some tools i need.
When the regular classes start on 1/24/09, i'll be taking 1 pre calculus class, and 2 history classes for 11 units. putting me at 26 units done, and 94 units to go. Gag*
Summer i'll try to take a calculus class A, so by Fall 09 i could take 2 math classes.
This leadership book i have is asking me, "what do i stand on?"
I stand on the messages of christ, and his benevolence toward the poor. I stand against injustice, and i stand for the oppressed. I never really fully stood for these things, but i cared for them a little more than the average bear. Now i wish to make it more of my vocation.
I stand against war. no matter what.
I believe in starting relationships on the right track. What are my boundaries? Well i know for sure, that it is my honor to my family is primary, my desire for education is also primary. My want of respect, and the respect of the lady through self sacrifice is also a must. I also wish to never interfere with the woman's relationship of her family. If it means to respect the father by treating the lady with respect, then remaining abstinent is on the list. I am not concerned with grabbing the other person's attention, but to form each other into better people, doing productive things together: volunteering, reading, music, writing, solving problems. It's sad to admit that things, seasons, do change. so one of my demands can't be permanence. I think that the environment around the couple must have a say toward the development of the couple, thus remaining open, but the modern term of "open" relationship, or "no ties" doesn't really last. Cuz that is just a swinger relationship with hookups. I think a "swinger" relationship is healthy, and i don't think "friends" counts either. THen what do you call two people who care about eachother, and want to be with one another, but "tied" down to more important priorities? I think that equals "dating".
Dating i think means, setting "dates" on the calendar to see one another, but not much more than that.
Religous views? Do i think religious views have to equal mine? It will make it more diffilcult if i was with someone who refused to believe in the beauty of god, and had no relationship with the creator of the universe.
But my high point i put is on vocation: what is you're life's goal that you want to work toward?
MY vocation: humanitarian, humble, wealthy, rich, but has few personal possessions. Giver, peace maker, activist.
MY career: I want to be involved with Educaiton, the youth, the young minds, the oppressed, the poor, the commonwealth, the commonfolk, and RAISE them with a strong moral hand. I wish to have my ethics refined.
MY job: right now is at mercury insurance, and watching my influence on others to be in a positive way.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Dreams
So i had an interesting dream this morning.
I dreamt that i was in boot camp training for the military. I went on a walk on the hillside, when i wasn't supposed to. I heard some people coming, so i hid on the hillside and covered myself with a camoflage blanket. One man, a friend of mine, caught me. He saw me from behind the blanket, and shot me with his rifle. THe bullet stuck in my neck. I was in pain, and i tied a bandana around my neck to stop the bleeding.
I made my way back to the base, and found the Drill sergeant and told him what happened. I told him i needed a medic. He said to me, "i'm sorry but we're short medics, and there's a long line ahead of you, you're just going to have to wait."
I couldn't believe my ears, so i found a different friend, and told him to pull the bullet from my neck with a pair of pliers.
He pulled the bullet out, and i was biting down on a rag. I was in extreme pain. And i saw the unique shape of the bullet. I was about three inches long, and very skinny; it was no wider than 1/4 of an inch. The bullet was silver, or stainless steel.
So according to a "meanings of dreams" website, here's what my subconscious was going through in my life.
According to "dreammoods.com"
"to dream that you are shot represents a form of self punishment, that you may be unconsciously imposing on yourself. You may have done somehting you are ashamed of or not proud of. If you are shot and come back as a different person then it indicates that you start fresh.
To dream that you are in camouflage suggests that you are hiding your true self and feelings. you are hiding who you really are.
To see a wound in your dream, is symbolic of grief, anger, and distress. you are looking to be healed.
To dream that you are having an operation, suggests that you need to get something out of your system or cut it out of your life. Perhaps you need to let go of something or change your habits. ...(it) may reflect your concerns about upcoming surgery or about your health.
To see a bullet or bullets in your dream, indicates anger and aggression directed at you or someone else. You need to be cautious on what you say and do. Your actions and words may easily be misinterpreted.
To dream of being hit by a bullet, suggests that you need to persevere and endure the difficult times.
To see your neck in your dream signifies the relationship between the mind/mental and the body/physical. It represents willpower, self-restriction and your need to control your feelings and keep them in check. Consider the familiar phrase, "don't stick your neck out" which serves as a warning against a situation.
To dream that your neck is injured or sore, indicates a separation between your heart and mind. Alternatively, it could represent something or someone is literally a pain in the neck."
I'm am super surprised how accurate all this information is. I really relate to all these signs of distress, the struggle to balance the mind and body, signs of caution to the things i say and do.
I take warning, oh do i take warning.
I am on the verge of starting a friendship/relationship with my friend *****and here i start this dream. I think my soul is uncertain and cautioning me. May god direct my steps and help me become more atuned to his message of serving those in need. My prayer is to continue my path in life. I am working my way through school, volunteering at the Mercy House, and writing for the paper. I wish to start riding my bicycle, and keep all this in balance.
I pray that i can continue to eat healthy, and spend healthy times with my family that i love so much.
This dream was interesting. Hopefully there'll be more.
I 'm going to turn my phone off for a few days, and just lay low. I don't really want to speak with anyone right now.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Distance
One of my biggest pet peeves is "anti-socialism". I have no problem calling out people who are "afraid" to communicate and spend time with other human beings... This really urks me.
So i thought that i had a bible, but it never really belonged to me anyway.. I asked my aunt who said, "let me write in the bible for you..." and today i asked my aunt, "so when do you think i'll get the bible back?"
She answered, "probably not for awhile."
Cool. that is the beauty of asking direct questions.
Lesson #1 - Nobody is honest.
I am currently aware of the "vibe" that i give off. People usually feel more comfortable from a 'distance' from me. That's interesting. It definitely has to do with how i was raised.
I slept in from church today, felt like a bum, but the rest is what i needed. I was supposed to get up at 4am and drive on over to the mercy house. But i've been sick, so i decided to sleep in.
I'm currently under a lot of 'tension', and have no one really to speak with.
Lesson #2
The people i think i'm close with, aren't really that close to me.
The people i want to be close with, i have to make friends with
I noticed that biting my nails is a sign of stress.
I still haven't drank beer, or smoked any pot.
I eaten a few pieces of meat. I've had 2 crab sticks, pasta cooked with meat sauce, and i think some other things.
I had lunch with my friend the other day and enjoyed the time very much with her. She asked me directly, "where do you get your motivation from?"
"you're such a typical guy"
i do very much like her, but i think she is extremely spoiled.
Peet peev #2
Spoiled people, spoiled kids, and people that are comfortable with themselves, their environment, their lives. people that have become complacent, comfortable, and 'settled'.
The reason i feel this way with people who've "stopped" caring about change, newness, exploring, and traveling, is because i'm young and without any strong footing in my life i suppose.
I just spoke with Angel from the newspaper, and I learned about the upcoming february issue for the fullerton observer. I 'm writing a piece on homelessness. My goal is to come up from a statistical point of view written with a slight humanitarian undertone. I think the human element will be too strong if i 'focus' the piece toward that. My goal is to NOT get the reader to say, "oh that was a nice interview/story with a homeless person". My primary goal is to have the reader say, "wow there is alot of homelessness around me, i better make sure i have a couple of bucks on me at all times.
Life lesson #3
NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY, YOU'RE EITHER JUST LIKE YOUR MOTHER, OR EXACTLY LIKE YOUR FATHER.
i'm fortunate because i've had no real father in my life, so that leaves more room to 'vamp' my identity!
I am glad to have started a blog because i feel like I have more "cyber privacy", rather than myspace. The crappy thing with myspace is that i knew who the people reading my blog was. This eventually corrupted the topics i chose to write about. Now i'm glad no one knows about this blog. If i am forced to i will even post "phony blogs" so people can interpret a socialized persona of a 'more acceptable' version of myself with the true purpose of making others more comfortable with spending time with me.
Oh yes, I just bought a bicycle, and can NOT wait to ride it!
This month my goals are:
1) finish my intercession course
2) keep good attendance at work
3) go to the beach
4) start regular school session
5) go to church on sundays
6) finish my book
7) Continue going to Mercy House
8) write an article.
All is fun under the sun
I found a new hang out spot in fullerton: that's amore pizza!
Serves great Iced tea.
Peace out.
I think my friend's birthday is 1/27, so i should call her up and take her to the beach or somethng.
Peace.
So i thought that i had a bible, but it never really belonged to me anyway.. I asked my aunt who said, "let me write in the bible for you..." and today i asked my aunt, "so when do you think i'll get the bible back?"
She answered, "probably not for awhile."
Cool. that is the beauty of asking direct questions.
Lesson #1 - Nobody is honest.
I am currently aware of the "vibe" that i give off. People usually feel more comfortable from a 'distance' from me. That's interesting. It definitely has to do with how i was raised.
I slept in from church today, felt like a bum, but the rest is what i needed. I was supposed to get up at 4am and drive on over to the mercy house. But i've been sick, so i decided to sleep in.
I'm currently under a lot of 'tension', and have no one really to speak with.
Lesson #2
The people i think i'm close with, aren't really that close to me.
The people i want to be close with, i have to make friends with
I noticed that biting my nails is a sign of stress.
I still haven't drank beer, or smoked any pot.
I eaten a few pieces of meat. I've had 2 crab sticks, pasta cooked with meat sauce, and i think some other things.
I had lunch with my friend the other day and enjoyed the time very much with her. She asked me directly, "where do you get your motivation from?"
"you're such a typical guy"
i do very much like her, but i think she is extremely spoiled.
Peet peev #2
Spoiled people, spoiled kids, and people that are comfortable with themselves, their environment, their lives. people that have become complacent, comfortable, and 'settled'.
The reason i feel this way with people who've "stopped" caring about change, newness, exploring, and traveling, is because i'm young and without any strong footing in my life i suppose.
I just spoke with Angel from the newspaper, and I learned about the upcoming february issue for the fullerton observer. I 'm writing a piece on homelessness. My goal is to come up from a statistical point of view written with a slight humanitarian undertone. I think the human element will be too strong if i 'focus' the piece toward that. My goal is to NOT get the reader to say, "oh that was a nice interview/story with a homeless person". My primary goal is to have the reader say, "wow there is alot of homelessness around me, i better make sure i have a couple of bucks on me at all times.
Life lesson #3
NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY, YOU'RE EITHER JUST LIKE YOUR MOTHER, OR EXACTLY LIKE YOUR FATHER.
i'm fortunate because i've had no real father in my life, so that leaves more room to 'vamp' my identity!
I am glad to have started a blog because i feel like I have more "cyber privacy", rather than myspace. The crappy thing with myspace is that i knew who the people reading my blog was. This eventually corrupted the topics i chose to write about. Now i'm glad no one knows about this blog. If i am forced to i will even post "phony blogs" so people can interpret a socialized persona of a 'more acceptable' version of myself with the true purpose of making others more comfortable with spending time with me.
Oh yes, I just bought a bicycle, and can NOT wait to ride it!
This month my goals are:
1) finish my intercession course
2) keep good attendance at work
3) go to the beach
4) start regular school session
5) go to church on sundays
6) finish my book
7) Continue going to Mercy House
8) write an article.
All is fun under the sun
I found a new hang out spot in fullerton: that's amore pizza!
Serves great Iced tea.
Peace out.
I think my friend's birthday is 1/27, so i should call her up and take her to the beach or somethng.
Peace.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Love for two wheels
So i've been wanting to buy a road bicycle for many months now. I've been searching on the good 'ol craigslist for some bikes. I was going to pick up a hybrid bike, but am deciding on a road bike, just i don't think i'm going to be going off road anytime soon. Upon my searching, i was finding that most bike sellers were located in Irvine, Corona (not the beer), Huntington Beach, and Long Beach. I've been super, super lazy lately and didn't feel like driving down to these areas for a damn bicycle.
So i waited.
And waited
And waited.
Finally, a guy posted a bike up that lived in la mirada. Now that's more like it! I went buy to take a look at the bike, and met a guy whose raced some bikes. He explained to me some basics about how to ride the bike, and i took the bike for a spin. This wasn't just an ordinary bike. This bike had lowered handle bars that curved forward in order to keep maximum power for the legs, and keep the back straightened. I had a hard time control the bicycle, the turning was soo soo sensitive. As i tried to slowly turn the bike, i didn't have enough speed, and totally ate shit. I rolled over, and fell on my face.
My first reaction was: I started busting up laughing. THe mixed emotion of not being able to do the most simplest thing like "turn", the embarassment, and the humbling nature of the bike made me laugh at myself. The bike threw me on my ass with no care in the world.
That was love at first site ladies and gentlemen.
One of my new years resolutions was to start riding the bike, so I am. I wish to huff it to work, school, friends' house, everything.
I'm going to pick up the bike tomorrow, i am going to have lunch with Leslie, and I have a birthday party later in the evening. Saturday is looking like a good day.
Why am i riding a bike now?
Well for a couple reasons. THe first, I am a very passionate person, and i enjoy 'throwing' myself at things in order to learn new things. I have problems with 'consistency' though. I'll throw myself at something, learn to do it well, and then move onto something else. I hope to keep up with bike riding. Also, if i don't "pour my passions" into something, i sort of "fall" out of balance within myself. If i don't pursue something passionately, i become irritable, bored, depressed, angry, introverted, evasive, and very very depressed. So to 'bypass' these emotions, i am going to learn something new.
Also, to lessen the amount of oil i use. I want to lower that shit just a little bit.
Hooray.
I think the bike will cost 220$....kind of expensive, but i'm hoping to maximize my time on that shit.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Hank Wilson
Let me introduce to you my friend Hank Wilson. He is staying at an old folks home in Fullerton, and he is 91 years old. I walked in as a visitor and asked to meet him. As I was driving home from work, I was feeling like i should go on a walk. I parked my car behind the Ralphs near an old folks home. I thought, "i guess i should meet someone new."
I signed in the visitors center, and made my way in. I waited for Hank Wilson as one of the nurses said, "he is currently eating dinner."
I waited a good twenty minutes, and I had the wonderful oppurtunity to meet his roommate.
His roommate was old, and had a head full of hair. He was hunched over in his wheel chair. His left arm was wrapped, and he struggled to move it.
"what's your name?"
He replied, "i don't know what you're saying."
I stood by him and asked him if he could write with his other hand, he nodded.
He looked at the floor and didn't really move much. I was amazed that he still had his head full of grey, bouncy hair at such an old age.
I whispered to him, knowing that he couldn't hear me, "hello, my name is anthony. I'm young and wishing to learn about life. Alot of people really wouldn't understand why i'm here, but i'm hoping to learn about life."
I was sitting on top of the bed on the left side of Hank's roommate. I stood up, walked over to the right side and said in a loud boomy voice, "DO YOU MIND IF WE TALK?"
"i don't know what you mean."
"DO YOU WANT TO HANG OUT?"
"take it easy." he murmed toward me, "take it easy..."
I went over to a chair and removed some clean bedsheets from the chair, and sat on it. "This is definitely no Tuesdays with Morrie..." I thought.
So i sat there and watched him.
The roommate, just sat there, hunched over, looking down at the floor, and sat. His right hand was resting on the bed in front of him, totally relaxed.
"this arm is numb." he said, "i can't feel nothing."
I continued to watch.
His breathing was deep, and he took long breaths, and let out deep sighs. He tried to lift his arm up onto the arm holder, but couldn't get the arm in the spot. I walked over to him and lifted his arm, and sat back down in my chair. I continued to watch him. I stared straight at him for a good twenty five minutes, and he never bothered to look back up at me. He seemed tired, slow, and exhausted. Before i entered the nursing home, I was under the assumption that i would be "warmly greeted" from a "lonely old person". This roommate proved my vision a stupid fantasy. This man, never cared, or felt "self-concsious" that a perfect stranger was sitting in a room staring at him and doing absolutely nothing; most youths today would either feel uncomfortable, or feel an incessant need to say something. I finally thought of an idea. I took out a piece of paper and scribbled on it, and handed it to the old man. He took it, and read it aloud, "what is the manually of...of...." he paused trying to read the paper, "what is the meaning of life?"
He looked up at me, "I really don't know." And he went back into his slumping posture, and i went back sitting into the chair.
"Totally not the answer i was looking for." I thought.
Up wheeled in Hank Wilson. He was completely bald, and his head had old skin with many moles on top. He had a pair of simple framed glasses. He seemed much more lively, smiled at me and said, "they said i had a visitor, and i didn't know what to expect."
He had a pleasant speaking tone, and wasn't 'froggy' sounding. I said, "Yes, i'm your surprise visitor for today. But don't tell anybody, i had to lie to the receptionist to get into this place."
He smiled.
The man had a warm presence to him, and i was feeling totally calm sitting with him. I felt at peace with him, and felt the pressures of society fade away from me because here was a man whose seen it all. My job, my marital status, my family history, my drug abuse, my life's decision all lost meaning when i saw this aged man wheel up at me and smile. I felt the closest i've ever been with divine happiness.
He asked, "so what is your name?"
"Anthony" I said loudly, confidently.
"Kennedy? What is your first name?" he asked.
"Anthony." I answered
"Anthony Kennedy, nice name." He smiled and folded his hands in his lap.
I started, "so I came here to be with people much wiser than me. I wanted to be near people with wisdom."
He nodded, and seemed to understand me, "ah, we'll you're in the right place. I'm 91 years old."
I almost fell out of my seat, "jesus christ, 91 years old, wow" I was astonished. Nowadays, you're lucky to break 37.
There was a long pause
"So did you go to school?" I asked
"yes, i graduated in five years, and went to become a teacher." He started, "i was a teacher for 3 years, before the war started."
I listened.
"I joined the navy from 1943-1947"
"that's right at the end of World war II" I added
"that's right. I was in the service for 4 years. I was a compass engineer. I worked on magnetizing the compasses on the ships."
I listened, and didn't think.
"I was on the water for long, long periods of time. I liked it you know."
"did you ever marry?" i asked
"Yes, i got married when i was 23 years old."
"wow, you're were a young tiger.."
"how old are you?"
"24"
"well son, you'd better get married" he joked
"yea, i have a fear of relationships." I reported, "my mother was divorced twice, so i'm really cautious."
"well marriage is better than being single" he answered.
"yea, I suppose you're right. how many wives did you have?"
"two. I was married for 62 years, to my first wife, and she died of an adominal cancer. The cancer just got her, and she got weaker, and weaker, and weaker. She died." He told me his tragic story, but not in a sad, romantic tone, but in a manner-of-factly approach. he continued, "my second wife i was married for only 3 months, she also had an adominal cancer, and she died. Now i'm alone."
"that's were i come in, I'm your surprise visitor!" I said cheery, and waved my hands in the air. The joking eased my own spirit. Immature, but necessary.
"well" he continued, "not totally alone, I've had my roommate here for 3 whole weeks!" he returned a joke. But i caught his meaning, he seemed strangely excited that his roommate was still his roommate after such a short amount of time, as if he seen lots of people come, and lots of people go...
I stayed quiet.
"So you go to school?" he asked
"yes, i'm going to school and working." I answered
"ah, so you're staying busy."
"yes sir."
"did you want some dinner? Are you hungry?' He asked, smiling
Hank Wilson's offer was generous but didn't exactly produce an appetite, "no thanks, i already ate."
"well," he started wheeling his chair, "it was sure nice meeting Anthony Kennedy"
"yes, it was nice meeting you too Hank. I'd like to visit you again."
"yes, you should come back," he pause, "if i'm still here of course." I knew what he meant, but he seemed undisturbed by his own realization that even he had to admit that time afterall is Time.
I stood up from my chair, walked outside, and left the home.
Funny, i've always hated old folks homes because i've thought that families would just "dump" their grandparents into them because "they didn't want to hassle taking care of them." I've always told myself, "oh i'd better not end up in one of those." but after meeting Hank Wilson, that kind of stuff really doesn't matter.
I will visit him next tuesday.
I signed in the visitors center, and made my way in. I waited for Hank Wilson as one of the nurses said, "he is currently eating dinner."
I waited a good twenty minutes, and I had the wonderful oppurtunity to meet his roommate.
His roommate was old, and had a head full of hair. He was hunched over in his wheel chair. His left arm was wrapped, and he struggled to move it.
"what's your name?"
He replied, "i don't know what you're saying."
I stood by him and asked him if he could write with his other hand, he nodded.
He looked at the floor and didn't really move much. I was amazed that he still had his head full of grey, bouncy hair at such an old age.
I whispered to him, knowing that he couldn't hear me, "hello, my name is anthony. I'm young and wishing to learn about life. Alot of people really wouldn't understand why i'm here, but i'm hoping to learn about life."
I was sitting on top of the bed on the left side of Hank's roommate. I stood up, walked over to the right side and said in a loud boomy voice, "DO YOU MIND IF WE TALK?"
"i don't know what you mean."
"DO YOU WANT TO HANG OUT?"
"take it easy." he murmed toward me, "take it easy..."
I went over to a chair and removed some clean bedsheets from the chair, and sat on it. "This is definitely no Tuesdays with Morrie..." I thought.
So i sat there and watched him.
The roommate, just sat there, hunched over, looking down at the floor, and sat. His right hand was resting on the bed in front of him, totally relaxed.
"this arm is numb." he said, "i can't feel nothing."
I continued to watch.
His breathing was deep, and he took long breaths, and let out deep sighs. He tried to lift his arm up onto the arm holder, but couldn't get the arm in the spot. I walked over to him and lifted his arm, and sat back down in my chair. I continued to watch him. I stared straight at him for a good twenty five minutes, and he never bothered to look back up at me. He seemed tired, slow, and exhausted. Before i entered the nursing home, I was under the assumption that i would be "warmly greeted" from a "lonely old person". This roommate proved my vision a stupid fantasy. This man, never cared, or felt "self-concsious" that a perfect stranger was sitting in a room staring at him and doing absolutely nothing; most youths today would either feel uncomfortable, or feel an incessant need to say something. I finally thought of an idea. I took out a piece of paper and scribbled on it, and handed it to the old man. He took it, and read it aloud, "what is the manually of...of...." he paused trying to read the paper, "what is the meaning of life?"
He looked up at me, "I really don't know." And he went back into his slumping posture, and i went back sitting into the chair.
"Totally not the answer i was looking for." I thought.
Up wheeled in Hank Wilson. He was completely bald, and his head had old skin with many moles on top. He had a pair of simple framed glasses. He seemed much more lively, smiled at me and said, "they said i had a visitor, and i didn't know what to expect."
He had a pleasant speaking tone, and wasn't 'froggy' sounding. I said, "Yes, i'm your surprise visitor for today. But don't tell anybody, i had to lie to the receptionist to get into this place."
He smiled.
The man had a warm presence to him, and i was feeling totally calm sitting with him. I felt at peace with him, and felt the pressures of society fade away from me because here was a man whose seen it all. My job, my marital status, my family history, my drug abuse, my life's decision all lost meaning when i saw this aged man wheel up at me and smile. I felt the closest i've ever been with divine happiness.
He asked, "so what is your name?"
"Anthony" I said loudly, confidently.
"Kennedy? What is your first name?" he asked.
"Anthony." I answered
"Anthony Kennedy, nice name." He smiled and folded his hands in his lap.
I started, "so I came here to be with people much wiser than me. I wanted to be near people with wisdom."
He nodded, and seemed to understand me, "ah, we'll you're in the right place. I'm 91 years old."
I almost fell out of my seat, "jesus christ, 91 years old, wow" I was astonished. Nowadays, you're lucky to break 37.
There was a long pause
"So did you go to school?" I asked
"yes, i graduated in five years, and went to become a teacher." He started, "i was a teacher for 3 years, before the war started."
I listened.
"I joined the navy from 1943-1947"
"that's right at the end of World war II" I added
"that's right. I was in the service for 4 years. I was a compass engineer. I worked on magnetizing the compasses on the ships."
I listened, and didn't think.
"I was on the water for long, long periods of time. I liked it you know."
"did you ever marry?" i asked
"Yes, i got married when i was 23 years old."
"wow, you're were a young tiger.."
"how old are you?"
"24"
"well son, you'd better get married" he joked
"yea, i have a fear of relationships." I reported, "my mother was divorced twice, so i'm really cautious."
"well marriage is better than being single" he answered.
"yea, I suppose you're right. how many wives did you have?"
"two. I was married for 62 years, to my first wife, and she died of an adominal cancer. The cancer just got her, and she got weaker, and weaker, and weaker. She died." He told me his tragic story, but not in a sad, romantic tone, but in a manner-of-factly approach. he continued, "my second wife i was married for only 3 months, she also had an adominal cancer, and she died. Now i'm alone."
"that's were i come in, I'm your surprise visitor!" I said cheery, and waved my hands in the air. The joking eased my own spirit. Immature, but necessary.
"well" he continued, "not totally alone, I've had my roommate here for 3 whole weeks!" he returned a joke. But i caught his meaning, he seemed strangely excited that his roommate was still his roommate after such a short amount of time, as if he seen lots of people come, and lots of people go...
I stayed quiet.
"So you go to school?" he asked
"yes, i'm going to school and working." I answered
"ah, so you're staying busy."
"yes sir."
"did you want some dinner? Are you hungry?' He asked, smiling
Hank Wilson's offer was generous but didn't exactly produce an appetite, "no thanks, i already ate."
"well," he started wheeling his chair, "it was sure nice meeting Anthony Kennedy"
"yes, it was nice meeting you too Hank. I'd like to visit you again."
"yes, you should come back," he pause, "if i'm still here of course." I knew what he meant, but he seemed undisturbed by his own realization that even he had to admit that time afterall is Time.
I stood up from my chair, walked outside, and left the home.
Funny, i've always hated old folks homes because i've thought that families would just "dump" their grandparents into them because "they didn't want to hassle taking care of them." I've always told myself, "oh i'd better not end up in one of those." but after meeting Hank Wilson, that kind of stuff really doesn't matter.
I will visit him next tuesday.
Hey There Spencer!
Okay, so i have the courage enough to admit that i have a Crush, and publish this online for the 'res publica'.
Yes, i do have a crush.
One thing i noticed about having a crush, is new "fantasies" or "visions" enter in my mind. As soon as i noticed i had a crush (on a woman of course) i started envisioning a different future for myself. I started thinking of things i should do to accomplish that. BUt there's this small voice that reminds me, "just because you've imagined something, doesn't make it so."
Now here comes the political strings. Question #1: How do pursue this crush without revealing that i have a crush?
This is contradictory, I know. THe answer seems simple, "why not just tell her you have a crush."
I think i would like to see her in her most natural form, a form not affected by love. I read by Victor Hugo something about love.
It goes like this: "love is sweet. Like sugar. Too much love is not good for the brain, and you can get sick from love."
(Victor Hugo is my favorite writer of all time)
I would like to avoid the overwhelming feeling of love, and just 'be normal' i suppose. That's what's in my head. I don't think that is possible however.
Love makes smiling a hell of a lot easier, that's for sure.
I saw old pictures of my aunt patty, and uncle rick visiting in chicago, right when they were at the height of their love.
It was cool seeing the boyish nature of uncle rick.... that lazy dog smile. LOVE.
I think if i had a wedding, i would do it very unconventional.
Here's the requirement list ladies and gentleman, and homosexuals
1) The groom would wear no shoes
2) the groom's tux would be hand sewn, homemade
3) The music will be awesome.
4) there would be a crapload of flowers
5) Vegetarian food, maybe a cake
6) Hooter's Girls.
7) AC/DC
8) Dancing.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Aftermath
So i read in an online blog posted by unemployed teachers, "talking to my brother is like getting a job interview, he never asks about me or my family."
I read this, and i feel like have the ability to make other people feel the same way as this person. Sometimes i can be too self-righteous.
So i've been thinking about teaching, and i believe it can be hard to get into. Right now, my main subject i love is History. Unfortunately, History is only taught for two years at Highschools, and have a lower demand. High demand subjects are English and Math. I'm not passionate about Math, but i am considering it. I would like to study English, but I think I would struggle with landing a job.
Today, i had dinner at my aunt's house and had a sweet time. We had ravoli's and salad. good stuff. I should have helped with the dishes and stuff.
I helped tutor my cousin brett today, and noticed myself getting sterner with his inability to cooperate. My aunt immediately noticed this, but in my head i was thinking this, "If i treat him as an equal, he will become one."
I am not sure that is a true solution, but nonetheless he produced a good paper written all by himself. Although i am hard, frustrating, and diffilcult to work with, i produce equality, independence, and Pride. So in retrospect, today was an absolute success.
I waited outside for twenty minutes standing in the midnight air. And there while i stood, i had an imaginary conversation with myself. Let's see if i can remember what i said,
"I'm a poet, i've been a poet for sometime now.
You make me feel uneasy inside. I feel like I was in a vulnerable state. And i don't like that.
I want t o take love and carry that candle into the depths of my soul, and shine its light in places i never knew existed.
See love, is like a cold wind that comes from behind the mountains, flows from the tops of their snowy caps, down to the plains, and reaches the lovers kissing on the meadow; and blows the candle of their love out. And from without their candle the two lovers learn what they themselves are truly made of sitting in the darkness."
Some people can handle love, and others can't. I'm afraid i can't be your friend in ways that you need, I don't think i'm emotionally stable enough."
Poetic conversation. Love is in my head right now.
I wish to push and continue with school. My plans are to do some travelling when i'm finished with school. I'd like to go to south america, and learn spanish. I'd like to go and do some work in the Saharas. But for right now, i'll keep at the mercy house.
I had some flash backs today of that needy woman i met. See equality works like a double edged blade. I was having a hard time understanding the fact that i was equal to that woman, and that if life allowed, my circumstances could be no different than hers. All it would take for me to become a homeless druggy is the loss of my ..... nevermind....some things shouldn't be written.
My brother today weighs my words carefully. He is very simple, and he likes his ideas blunt, simple, and square. He assumed that because i'm a poly sci major that i'm "against" the wars in Iraq. When my true opinion is quite opposite, I said, "wow and plus eric's circumstance, i can totally understand. I think he is a true definition of a man."
He said, "it's funny you say that being a poly sci major." (meaning that because i'm a poly sci major i 'm "opposed" to the wars in the middle east, when actually i've written and debated support for Iraq reconstruction effort).
He's also tried to critique me saying, "it's funny you say, "oh I like eric" and then condemn erica".
I said, "there's differences that you don't see, small subtle things, and the first fact is that you're not dating Eric."
He is sharp against my views of alcoholism because i've said, "I've lost a close friend to a drunk driver in 2003, so i can never be mild toward alcohol abuse."
He thinks that because of my views, i'm contradictory toward a compassionate stance toward my Marine Friend comparing this stance toward his recovering girlfriend.
First, each person's circumstances can never be compared. each story has a different reason for leading toward the same effect: alcoholism. how to distinguish them?
I'm not judging other people's actions as good or bad. I think that it is judgement that defeats humanity. But as a freethinking individual, i have the right to oppose the actions of others, and i can directly control who i associate with. Right now, i find myself with no friends really.
My goal of 2009 is to make new friends. I've outgrown the old.
I read this, and i feel like have the ability to make other people feel the same way as this person. Sometimes i can be too self-righteous.
So i've been thinking about teaching, and i believe it can be hard to get into. Right now, my main subject i love is History. Unfortunately, History is only taught for two years at Highschools, and have a lower demand. High demand subjects are English and Math. I'm not passionate about Math, but i am considering it. I would like to study English, but I think I would struggle with landing a job.
Today, i had dinner at my aunt's house and had a sweet time. We had ravoli's and salad. good stuff. I should have helped with the dishes and stuff.
I helped tutor my cousin brett today, and noticed myself getting sterner with his inability to cooperate. My aunt immediately noticed this, but in my head i was thinking this, "If i treat him as an equal, he will become one."
I am not sure that is a true solution, but nonetheless he produced a good paper written all by himself. Although i am hard, frustrating, and diffilcult to work with, i produce equality, independence, and Pride. So in retrospect, today was an absolute success.
I waited outside for twenty minutes standing in the midnight air. And there while i stood, i had an imaginary conversation with myself. Let's see if i can remember what i said,
"I'm a poet, i've been a poet for sometime now.
You make me feel uneasy inside. I feel like I was in a vulnerable state. And i don't like that.
I want t o take love and carry that candle into the depths of my soul, and shine its light in places i never knew existed.
See love, is like a cold wind that comes from behind the mountains, flows from the tops of their snowy caps, down to the plains, and reaches the lovers kissing on the meadow; and blows the candle of their love out. And from without their candle the two lovers learn what they themselves are truly made of sitting in the darkness."
Some people can handle love, and others can't. I'm afraid i can't be your friend in ways that you need, I don't think i'm emotionally stable enough."
Poetic conversation. Love is in my head right now.
I wish to push and continue with school. My plans are to do some travelling when i'm finished with school. I'd like to go to south america, and learn spanish. I'd like to go and do some work in the Saharas. But for right now, i'll keep at the mercy house.
I had some flash backs today of that needy woman i met. See equality works like a double edged blade. I was having a hard time understanding the fact that i was equal to that woman, and that if life allowed, my circumstances could be no different than hers. All it would take for me to become a homeless druggy is the loss of my ..... nevermind....some things shouldn't be written.
My brother today weighs my words carefully. He is very simple, and he likes his ideas blunt, simple, and square. He assumed that because i'm a poly sci major that i'm "against" the wars in Iraq. When my true opinion is quite opposite, I said, "wow and plus eric's circumstance, i can totally understand. I think he is a true definition of a man."
He said, "it's funny you say that being a poly sci major." (meaning that because i'm a poly sci major i 'm "opposed" to the wars in the middle east, when actually i've written and debated support for Iraq reconstruction effort).
He's also tried to critique me saying, "it's funny you say, "oh I like eric" and then condemn erica".
I said, "there's differences that you don't see, small subtle things, and the first fact is that you're not dating Eric."
He is sharp against my views of alcoholism because i've said, "I've lost a close friend to a drunk driver in 2003, so i can never be mild toward alcohol abuse."
He thinks that because of my views, i'm contradictory toward a compassionate stance toward my Marine Friend comparing this stance toward his recovering girlfriend.
First, each person's circumstances can never be compared. each story has a different reason for leading toward the same effect: alcoholism. how to distinguish them?
I'm not judging other people's actions as good or bad. I think that it is judgement that defeats humanity. But as a freethinking individual, i have the right to oppose the actions of others, and i can directly control who i associate with. Right now, i find myself with no friends really.
My goal of 2009 is to make new friends. I've outgrown the old.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
HOMELESSNESS
As I am reflecting on my day, I wonder about the people i've met. The needy Chinese woman that I met this morning is still fresh in my mind. Homelessness is a minute societal problem that has a disturbing presence in our Free country. I don't think middle class people today stopped caring about this problem, I think that Understanding has gone missing. Homelessness is an invisible changing of circumstance that subtley plagues the life of a sinking member of society. I say "invisible" because these are not people ever recognized or represented by the major populations so they remain unheard, untreated, and unsolved. But not uncared for. Their needs fall on deaf ears by policy makers in a captalistic society. They are the Ghosts within the major flaws of capitalism, consumerism, and Industry.
If one would study a little sociology, one would find that most researchers know nothing about the characteristics they are studying. Most researchers use Inference, sample distributions, and theory to denote a new idea. Most samples form major ideas in society, but the sample are derived from narrow clusters of a population divided into subgroups. Herein lies a problem for those who are needy. When was the last time you saw a Homeless person being polled?
If i could ask the short Chines woman anything, without feeling socially "uncomfortable", what would I ask?
REFLECTION
1) Why don't you go back to your homeland? I know that if this country neglected you, why not travel to another? Sweden is socialistic and provides for the common folk. Other European countries such as Germany, and France are Social Democracies.
2) You mentioned age, why do you think age plays a role in success in society? Is it not based more on circumstances?
3) In your life, which event do you recall more directly brought you to be here, homeless, today? Was it substance abuse? Divorce? Health Issues? Long periods of unemployment? Deaths in the Family?
I think this woman was indriectly telling me the answer. In fact, I think she had a death in the family (both her parents) struggled finding a decent job that provided for her needs. She was an immigrant that spoke English with a thick chinese tongue. Perhaps peers in the third class, whom she associated with, were probably harsher, took advantage of her, robbed her in some physical, emotional, or monetary element. She mentioned Money (*gag). "if i had money, i could pay rent..." and also she mentioned, "and traveling all the time, it is tiring."
The common misperceptions are that Homeless people, or needy people, don't do anything to help themselves. This woman doesn't want to be poor, and is merely stuck behind unemployment.
Homelessness is an invisible changing of cicumstance that takes its affect subtley on a person in a down position of society.
There are two types of revolutions. Ones that start from the top, and spread downward. The united states revolution of 1776, and the Spanish revolution were examples of topward revolutions. And there are revolutions that swell up from the botto IE. Russian Revolution, bolsheviks 1919, Cuba 1960's (Castro, Che), and the Haitian revolution (Touissant L'Overture).
I believe that high percentages of unemployment and 'needy people' are the beginning stages of a Bottom Revolution. Unfortunately, revolutions that swell from the bottom are usually the ugliest.
Peace and war profiteering.
If one would study a little sociology, one would find that most researchers know nothing about the characteristics they are studying. Most researchers use Inference, sample distributions, and theory to denote a new idea. Most samples form major ideas in society, but the sample are derived from narrow clusters of a population divided into subgroups. Herein lies a problem for those who are needy. When was the last time you saw a Homeless person being polled?
If i could ask the short Chines woman anything, without feeling socially "uncomfortable", what would I ask?
REFLECTION
1) Why don't you go back to your homeland? I know that if this country neglected you, why not travel to another? Sweden is socialistic and provides for the common folk. Other European countries such as Germany, and France are Social Democracies.
2) You mentioned age, why do you think age plays a role in success in society? Is it not based more on circumstances?
3) In your life, which event do you recall more directly brought you to be here, homeless, today? Was it substance abuse? Divorce? Health Issues? Long periods of unemployment? Deaths in the Family?
I think this woman was indriectly telling me the answer. In fact, I think she had a death in the family (both her parents) struggled finding a decent job that provided for her needs. She was an immigrant that spoke English with a thick chinese tongue. Perhaps peers in the third class, whom she associated with, were probably harsher, took advantage of her, robbed her in some physical, emotional, or monetary element. She mentioned Money (*gag). "if i had money, i could pay rent..." and also she mentioned, "and traveling all the time, it is tiring."
The common misperceptions are that Homeless people, or needy people, don't do anything to help themselves. This woman doesn't want to be poor, and is merely stuck behind unemployment.
Homelessness is an invisible changing of cicumstance that takes its affect subtley on a person in a down position of society.
There are two types of revolutions. Ones that start from the top, and spread downward. The united states revolution of 1776, and the Spanish revolution were examples of topward revolutions. And there are revolutions that swell up from the botto IE. Russian Revolution, bolsheviks 1919, Cuba 1960's (Castro, Che), and the Haitian revolution (Touissant L'Overture).
I believe that high percentages of unemployment and 'needy people' are the beginning stages of a Bottom Revolution. Unfortunately, revolutions that swell from the bottom are usually the ugliest.
Peace and war profiteering.
The Mercy House
I have recently volunteered to lend a hand at the Fullerton Armory which is a Army Reserve base located near Brookhurst St. My shift is from 5am-7am on Sundays, I suppose that there are more afternoon shifts, but they fill up quicker. Usually it is best to go into new situations prepared, hopeful, and positive, but this morning I arrived really tired. Maybe it is a waste of my time and sleep, and maybe it won't solve a damn thing, but i'm the true decider of that, or am I?
It was dark, and I woke up late, and left my house at 4:22am. For breakfast, I had a piece of zucchini pound cake. I arrived at the dark base and it was already swarmed with homeless people entering the base, leaving, smoking cigarettes, and just sitting around. A JFK transportation bus arrived and some people loaded in. I parked my truck and walked in. I was greeted by two security guards, one was busy talking to a lady in a wheel chair.
"Ella puedes..." the security guard started.
"Como se fue?" Asked the lady.
The other security guard asked, "volunteer?"
"yes" i answered, "who do i talk to ?"
The security guy just looked at me, "look for the guy in the grey cap."
How helpful. The base consisted of an empty grey cement floor, and about 200 people sleeping, getting dressed, or packing their belongings for their departure.
I walked over to the first guy in a grey cap, at this point I was totally lost, "hi, i'm a volunteer, what'd i do?"
He was drinking coffee in a cup, and looked at me blankly.
"Do you work here?"
He shook his head.
Eventually I met Gino, and Albert, both are paid employees that supervise the Armory.
Gino and I folded 140 blankets, put them in duffle bags. Ten to a bag. The bags would be counted and picked up by a laundry mat. We had 14 duffle bags, and one trash bag full of towels.
Gino was wearing synthetic gloves to fold the blankets. I used my bare hands.
Some of the blankets were still warm. At first, I thought to myself, what if i poke my hand from a needle, or touch blood, or get sick from handling these blankets? I didn't really have an answer to myself, but I kept going.
There was a dog with a sweater walking around.
After I finished folding the blankets, I took a broom and swept the cigarette butts, and trash outside.
Some homeless people were sick, and were hawking loogies outside. I found a regular "tone" that a few people there had when they spoke. The speaking voice was nasaly, whiny, haggish, and balanced by years of smoking cigarettes blended with a nasal cold. Some of the laughter i heard was similiar as well. The laughter cackled, coming from deep in the chest, and when one's laugh reached its climax, it was overcome by a cough from a thick bronchial cough.
"Are you American?"
I turned, there was a small lady, with a huge birth mark on her face.
"Yes, what are you?" (these days American isn't a good thing anymore...)
"chinese. Do you know when the bus is coming? Does the armory give out bus passes?"
"I don't know, let me find out." I found the security guard and he told me that two buses come, one at 5:15, and the other at 5:30. The current time was 5:41am.
I returned to the short chinese lady, "the second bus already left, i'm sorry."
"do you know where i could buy a bus pass?"
"yes, 7-11 sells them, Ralphs sells them, and i think you could buy them from the bus driver if you have 2 bucks." I felt like I was speaking into an empty cave, as if i was shouting into an empty cave, but not hearing an echo. Was she understanding me? I wasn't sure...
She nodded, and explained her story to me. Her parents were immigrants who died, and left her without a place to go. She's had a few jobs here and there, rented a place, but as of recent times, she is left without a job, and no home. She talked alot about money. One thing she distinctly said, "See when i was paying rent, time would go so fast, but now, time goes too slow. Tonight," she shook her head, "tonight felt like eight days."
I just stood and listened to the lady, Albert sent me home at 6:36am, and I drove home in the sunrise. When i returned home, i fell asleep before i could wash my hands.
Where is your money going to? I'm 24, my future appears bright, but i'm going to end up in the same place as everyone else. As i grow older this 'brightness' will escape me.
"Homeless people don't need your charity, they need JOBS." - Rick warren
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