Afterwards

I still feel horrible after seeing Chris, because distant friends are no friends? or am I wrong.. why did we hang out? it was to enjoy a bike ride, but that was impossible because he was so advanced. I felt like an algebra student wanting to be apart of the association of advanced math students... there is always something to learn, perhaps the order wsa wrong. he got a flat tire, and still exercised his body.. the essentials were there. despite it was not enough for his standard.. then that is a matter of preference.

The mind

I think chris realized that I'm insane because he was talking about school and math, and made it into a dramatic thing of the mind.. i smiled and said yes, i like that. I am like this. I guess math people don't function on the same plane. However, the good thing was that he found a new route.

Exercise and Christians

Today i completed wasted chris' time. I asked him to ride with me, and I ride to enjoy the scenary, he rides to fly at 21 MPH. I suspected this because his bike is riddled gear. He wants a new bike, light, but his steel frame makes him work harder. what a fool i was to buy such a nice bike! but I know without my bike, i couldn't get up the places I want to see... with it. I felt horrible when he said that his foundraiser failed, and I was apart of that failure. Ouch. that wasn't right. I could rationalize it, but I realized I didn't support him...

I completely wasted his time. I told him that I wanted to go on a bike ride, but was invited to write cards to Russians... he critiqued me as a failure, but I don't think so. because it has been months said i rode my bike. I needed to write it. They call me selfish... but I am busy.

I talked about healthy mind.. he agreed.

What a sad day.

He needs to be with a different crowd.

I learned much however, it is important to surround yourself with people better than yourself. that is how we get better.

as for the october tithe... the winner may be the dream center... nothing else came my way yet./

The Lure

Missionary dating, I've seen the weakness of man. Christians are not dumb because they have a journal about every condition and weakness of man, and leadership of man that was journaled since the beginning of government. There is not much else man can do, except to accept his fate. And realize that man is brutal, and kind. Generous, and selfish.. cunning and humble. This represents itself against the brutal acts of history. In return to our subject of missionary dating, I think I am being played a fool, or played apart to where I am supposed to become influenced. I am supposed to take a role, and act in a certain way. In this viewpoint I have realized that I am not perfect, but I am still unchangeable. I can understand, but my sentence is predestined, and unable to move the stones of time. Now, we must stand back and question: why do I go to L.A. ? Why am I returning ? and we must make guesses. I am now under the impression that I am led for the benefit of the church, of the larger piece other than myself. I am called to go because i like the church. But isn't their a line? how much church is too much? what is churchianity? my motives are on the line too. I am asked to become a member of the church. I am asked to attend the church. I am asked to return to the church. I am being influenced to become a loyal member, a participator. I am influenced by , no less, than a woman. How a man bends his will to meet the needs of a woman! my furniture in my mind is now challenged to become replaced, relocated, and or possibly removed. We must then question what, and why the things that i believe to be true and placed in such a distinct and un-movable manner.

First Act of anaylsis : 1) Prayer - prayer is the most holy language to God. Written in the bible, Koran, and other books that it was written that can influence, petition, and request one's hearts desire before God. But however, it has turned into a desire wish list... "Is there anything you need prayer for?" I said, "no" ... i didn't want prayer, not that I don't think God can't and or won't move anything to help or hinder me, but because the duty is on man to listen, and not to speak before God. If there are any decisions I am to do, I must instead listen, and not speak. what would i pray? "Dear God, show me your will?" what does this mean? his will is before me everyday! it is there for me to listen.. it says in proverbs that wisdom "cries out in the street" ... we don't really need to ask God for direction, because the signs are already placed.
what else would he say? lord make it possible? ask the king to move or change something? This goes against my belief in predestination that everything has been set, and ordered exactly as to what is meant to happen.. this conflicts with the human ego with respect to desire the will of its own consciousness and nothing other than that. "lord bless me with a wife!" ha, that is irony in itself.

Counter argument: it is your pride that says for you not to pray, because you don't wish to bend to the will of God. No, quite the opposite because I am so unworthy to even speak to the king.. I am a mere cockroach that sits in the dung of the king's parlor. Speaking would be a noise to the ears of angels.

Counter argument: but even the non jewish woman begged jesus and he granted her request.
Well this can be argued that I do not have the flesh of christ at hand, and only the spirit of christ. which in some cases the spirit of pentacost and the radical miracles that were bestowed on the apostles in some points of argument, only belonged to the disciples, and is mis-interpreted in modern times as a living document. meaning, the lecture of christ to the disciples pertained to them, and were are not the actors, but the audience.

Spirituality means to me exactly the definition, not revivalism, not emotionalism or intellectualism, but pure spirit.

There is a high probability that I am led only by a missionary. and subtley alluded for a tense of friendship nothing more.